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As my son sat in his wheelchair I could see a tinge of sadness in his eyes watching me play football with his brother.
He said, "I wanna play."
I said, "I know it's hard, son, but you can't."
He said, "Dad, it's my fucking Xbox."
I waited until we were alone in the church before approaching him.
"Father?" I said, causing him to turn and look at me.
"I'm sure you won't remember me Father, but 20 years ago I was one of the altar boys you brutally abused."
I could see immediate panic and shame in his eyes as he struggled to find words, "I.. I don't know.."
"Save it Father," I said unbuckling my trousers, "It's payback time."
"Please.. No.." He pleaded.
"On your knees Father," I commanded, "or I go to the authorities and you'll be ruined."
As he slowly sunk to the floor in resignation, I felt a satisfied grin forming on my face.
I'd never met the old cunt before, but I've found it's an almost sure fire way of getting a free blowjob.
I reckon my shit smells sweeter than everyone else's.
I'm not a snob, I just have really severe diabetes.
A young man had a lucky escape at a Linkin Park concert yesterday.
Some scaffolding collapsed and killed him before they came on.
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
"No problem." I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."
I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
My son was doing his homework and said "Dad, can you make up a sentence containing the word terrifying?"
I replied "I can't think of anything more terrifying than being at an Adele concert and she decides to crowd surf"
